What Makes A Good Marriage ... Besides Sex

What makes a good marriage? Of course it takes hard work, respect and lots of love – obviously. Okay, enough with the canned responses. What really makes a good marriage? Communication. Communication skills are absolutely crucial to making a marriage work – you and your spouse will never be on the same page unless you talk to each other.

And I mean more than just asking, “What’s for dinner?” or “Will you take out the trash?” You need to share your thoughts and feelings with your partner, not just the remote.

That does not mean you need to pull your partner aside and spill your guts, though. What makes a good marriage is knowing what to say, when to say it and how to say it.

Let’s look at an example. Your husband is watching the football game and you’ve made dinner. It’s not a five-course meal, but darn it – you worked hard in that kitchen! Sadly, your beloved waves you away when you tell him dinner is ready and by the time halftime rolls around and he gets up to make himself a plate, the food is cold and you’ve finished your meal at the table alone.

To add insult to injury, this is not the first time. How do you utilize good communication skills to handle this situation effectively?

1. Analyze your feelings. You’re upset and you have a right to be. You would have liked to eat the meal you made at the table with your husband and you’re disappointed because you feel that he thinks football is more important than you. It’s not, and he doesn’t think it is, but you’ve just spent 20 minutes alone eating dinner and letting the situation fester in your mind. Make sure you know what you’re feeling – sad, angry, hurt or all of the above. Also take a look at what you’re not feeling to help you gain a clear perspective.

2. Put the situation into check. Part of what makes a good marriage is not turning a disappointing situation into something more than it is. Did he rob a bank? Did he spend your kids’ college fund? Did he sleep with a stripper? If the answer to these questions is no, say a silent “thank you” to the powers that be and look at the situation that you’re in with a big fat dose of reality. He wasn’t doing any of those things – he was just watching football.

3. Get ready to talk. This is where those communication skills come in – you’re going to talk to your hubby about the situation because even though he didn’t drive the family car off the cliff, you’re still miffed about what went down. You are, however, less likely to yell and exaggerate the situation when you start discussing the matter once you’ve looked at things in perspective, because let’s face it – yelling will only cause him to shut you out. When you’re ready to talk to him, do it after the game. As much as you’d like to turn the tube off, he won’t listen to a darn word you say if you do! Catch him undistracted when his ears are open and you’ll get much better results.

4. Make your case – and then listen to his. Be short and sweet – there’s no need to go on and on. Tell him what he did to upset you and how it made you feel in a concise way. Then let him speak – that’s an important part of what makes a good marriage. You won’t get far if all you do is rail on him and he can’t get a word in edgewise. Hear him out.

5. Compromise. Compromise is a huge part of what makes a good marriage – so you need to get the art of compromising down pat. In this case, you can’t expect him from now on to forget watching football when dinner is ready. He does, however, need to join you for the meals. Perhaps you can cook earlier or later to allow him to watch the game. Perhaps you can eat together in front of the tube – less likely, but still a possible solution. Together, you and your hubby can utilize good communication skills and find a solution to the problem that works for both of you.

Sure, effective problem solving isn’t the only thing that makes a marriage work. The list of what makes a good marriage goes on and on and changes from couple to couple – what works for one husband and wife may not work for another.

The only constant in each situation is the need for communication – like I said before, you and your spouse aren’t going to get far if you don’t know how to talk to each other.

A great way to discover what communication skills work specifically for you and your spouse is to note their reaction to different things you say and ways you say them.

What kind of reaction do you get when you yell and criticize?

Do you get a positive or negative reaction?

Do you and your spouse ever find a solution this way?

What about when you each listen to each other, keep your voices down and never hit below the belt with your words?

Chances are, you will get a much better reaction and reach a solution much more quickly by utilizing the latter communication skills rather than the former.

Can you possibly know all of what makes a good marriage? Of course not – the definition of a “good marriage” is extremely wide.

Some people think that a “good marriage” is being married to several people, having eight children or sleeping in separate beds. For some people, those things work.

You need to find out what works for you and your spouse. Don’t be concerned with what works for everyone else – you’re not everyone else! Find what works for you and do it – don’t make excuses! Pretty soon, you and your spouse will not only be in the same book but on the same page too!

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